There's a study that proves...

In my conversations with people about Proposition 8 and same sex marriage, proponents often say that there's no danger in raising children in families with same sex parents. They dare you to cite one study that proves otherwise. Of course, on the spur of the moment, you can't come up with an answer because, come on, can you cite one study that proves anything on the spur of the moment?

Well Troy has saved us all the embarassment of not having a citation to hand and/or the hassle of finding just the right ones to make your point. On his blog (here's the link again), he gives an exhaustive list of "facts and sources" about the issues surrounding Prop 8.

I got this link from my brother's blog. In his post, he says, "I think that the ability of the court to overturn legislation they believe is unconstitutional is a necessary part of our government to protect the minority from the majority. So while I disagree with the court’s decision to overturn Prop 22, I can’t complain about the process for doing so. It’s not “sneaky” or “underhanded” in any way; it’s the way the government is supposed to work. However, the ability to amend the constitution is the balance to that check, and we have the ability to turn it right back."

I thought that if my brother, who is a smart guy, didn't understand why people are upset about "activist judges legislating from the bench," then there might be others who are confused too. The problem is not that the court overturned a law as unconstitutional -- that is indeed what courts are supposed to do. The problem is that the court said that since they overturned one badly written law expressly forbidding something that has never been allowed, that means that the thing which has never been allowed is now allowed, legal, and encouraged.

That's like saying that when the court overturned the handgun ban in Washington DC, everyone who wanted to could go out and buy a gun that day to keep in their homes. There are still many other laws about guns including waiting periods, licensing regulations, and permits to carry concealed weapons that still have to be followed in the wake of that decision. When a court overturns a law, conditions should return to the status quo before the law was passed, not infer that a law endorsing the opposite has been created out of thin air.

I'm going to make up a case now that has no real bearing on reality in order to make a point. I'm sure that there are problems with the legal matters in my example because of things I don't know about communications law and fraud law. Ignore those, and try to see the larger idea. Imagine that the legislature passed a law forbidding fraud using a cell phone -- fraud is already illegal, and so is committing fraud using a regular phone, but the legislature sees that somebody might say that a cell phone is a different kind of technology, and so not subject to the same rules. They write a law, which a court overturns as unconstitutional because of somethingorother (I told you there would be problems with this example, but hear me out). That does not mean that all fraud using cellphones is now legal and that any con man who wants to protect himself should just go out and get a cellphone, and then he's a law abiding citizen. Fraud is still illegal, not to mention morally wrong.

In another recent case from California. A family of eight children was being "homeschooled" by the mother. In this case, the homeschooling consisted of minimal instruction accompanied by a lot of neglect and abuse. The court said that the parents did not have a constitutional right to homeschool their kids when the mother didn't have a teaching credential, that the legal fiction they were using to enroll their children in a private school they never intended to attend was not sufficient to satisfy the law, and that the welfare concerns of these children trumped any of the other pro-homeschooling options. Parent groups were up in arms over this decision, thinking that these judges were trying to legislate from the bench, but the decision made it clear that they were concerned with this one specific case, the Department of Education did not go out that week and start charging all homeschoolers with truancy, and later court decisions affirmed that in general, homeschooling is a legal option in California. This is the way courts are supposed to work. They are supposed to say, "the law can go so far and no farther," not "this law is bad, so the opposite is now legal."

What the California Supreme Court should have done in the same sex marriage case is what the New Jersey courts did in a similar situation. They found that the state's law forbidding same sex marriage was unconstitutional, but when striking down the law, gave the legislature six months to either write a law that was constitutional, or write one that allowed same sex marriage. It's the legislature's job to write laws, not the court's.

Diversity?

One thing that people who are against Proposition 8 keep saying is that it won't affect you or your family. They're lying. The major players in the No On 8 campaign are actively working to make sure that same sex marriage is taught as an acceptable alternitive in public schools to children when they are very young and impressionable. Don't believe me? This article has the facts about so called diversity education.

The thing that really upsets me is that in the Massachusetts case (see the video below if you don't know what I'm talking about), the judge ruled that parents can't opt their children out of such instruction. I've been a public school teacher. it horrifies me to think that if I went back to teaching I might be required to teach something I find deeply morally wrong. More than that, it bothers me to think that I'd have no control over what my children were taught. I can think of several things about this case that go completely against the current rules about opting out of things in schools.

1. Parents have the right to opt their children out of sex education (at least up to a certain age). If this isn't sex education, I don't know what is.
   
   
2. Parents of Jehovah's Witnesses children are allowed to ask that their children be automatically opted out of any discussion or celebration of holidays, among other things, despite the frequent disruption this causes in class (the disruption argument is one of the ones used to deny Masachusetts parents the right to opt out).
   
   
3. Parents can request that their children opt out of ANY given curriculum they find offensive, and most schools comply without question. As a drama teacher, I had my kids do a play about some archaelogists in an Egyptian pyramid. They saw mummies and cats and spiders and snakes and a few of the Egyptian gods. Some of the kids' parents had them opt out because this was "teaching them to worship idols." I thought it was bunk -- I was telling the kids about what the Egyptians believed, and told them that nobody believed it anymore -- it was just their way of explaining the world. And mostly it was just a reason to learn how to put on a play and do some dances. But I had to respect the parents' wishes and send their kids to the library every week for a semester.

These people don't just want to teach about other lifestyles, they want to actively promote them. That's just not acceptable to me. And telling me that this is the one thing I can't opt out of is simply ridiculous.

Catching up with an old friend

An old friend from High School (actually my brother Mike's only HS girlfriend, if you can imagine that) contacted me this week, and as we traded emails and exchanged news, I thought that there was the makings of a good blog post in the letter, summarizing my life, and family. So here it is -- a document for history.

I went to your page and took a look at your photos -- your daughter is so cute!! It looks like she's going to be a red-head, huh? I have a lot of those in my family (lots of Scottish blood) What a sweetie!

Yeah, Elizabeth is really cute. We really hit the genetic jackpot with a red-headed girl on our first try! She also has a very easy temperament -- we call her Sweetness because, as you say, she's so sweet.

I didn't have a chance to read everything you wrote, but it looks like you have found a good, supportive group of people in your community. That's always really important. I've lived in a bunch of different places since high school, and I never feel at "home" until I've got a good group of friends.

I really do have a good group of friends here. I'm pretty shy when it comes to meeting new people, so it's hard work making friends. Luckily, most of the young mothers at Church meet Mondays at the beach, and Fridays at the park, so there's lots of time to talk.

As for Peter, I hope he finds another job soon. That's really tough, and I know a lot of people are going through what he's going through right now. I don't happen to know anyone looking for a novel editor, but I'll keep my ears open. At least there are lot of different industries in CA. I'm sure he'll find something soon.

This is the most stressful part of my life right now. Peter could do a great job in a lot of different industries, but he only WANTS to be in publishing. sigh. We do have a couple of good leads, and we're hoping one of them pans out. Until then, he has a temp job that says they'd be happy to keep him as long as he wants to stay, so at least we can get by without the whole hassle of going on welfare.

I assume you went to BYU -- when did you graduate? What did you end up majoring in? I recall that you (like all your family) were quite brilliant in high school. Did you have a career before starting you family? I always saw you as a doctor, for some reason. . .

Yeah, I went to BYU (that's where I met Peter, though we didn't get married till years later). I did a semester abroad in St. Petersburg, Russia in 1997, and graduated in 2000. I majored in Elementary Education. Directly after college, I began working for a company that makes Practice Management software for dentists, converting databases. Then I moved back to Ohio and taught school for a year until the tax base dropped out after 9-11 and all the junior teachers got laid off. I looked around and said, "I'm single and unemployed in Cleveland! What am I doing with my life?" and moved to California to start over. I lived with my grandparents and bounced around some part time jobs and substitute teaching --hoping to get a full time teaching job -- but they were having bad times in Ca too, so I ended up taking a job at an insurance brokerage doing filing and administrative work.

I got tired of some of the tedious parts of that job, and started writing programs and automating databases to make the computer to them for me. My bosses noticed, and put me on a team that was trying to do that for the entire company. It was a fun job with lots of opportunities to hobnob with the bigwigs and travel, and do creative stuff, but there was a high stress component too. The database we were working on was keeping track of billions of dollars worth of insured property and millions of dollars worth of premium, and a break down on a key day could be catastrophic. It was also my job to divine what people wanted the database to be able to do, when they couldn't put it into words themselves.

It was while I was at that job that I met Peter again, and we got married. Once our debts were paid off, I quit in order to get healthy enough to have a baby (the stress took a toll on my mental health, and that took a toll on my physical health).

I thought about going into medicine when I was in Jr. High, but quickly realized that while it might be interesting, I would be responsible for saving (or not saving) people's lives and health and happiness, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to take that kind of stress -- especially not if I made a mistake. Since I ended up with a breakdown when I was just dealing with money, I think I made the right decision.

I didn't really get a chance to ask Mike about the rest of your siblings. I know that he mentioned Doug was doing really well, and was doing some project with the Department of Defense. How is everyone else doing?

Mike's in Mt. View, Ca with Google. He's married with three boys (about 9, 4-5, and 2).

Doug just left his job in Ohio with the Air Force, and he's moving this week to Maryland, to get more schooling in his particular field of computer graphics and programming (paid for by the military) so that he can eventually make even more fancy ways to enhance and compile satellite images in realtime on the battlefield. He's married and has a son (about 4 or 5 years old).

I'm here in CA, as you know. Married with a 7 month old daughter.

David is in Oregon, pursuing a doctorate in Chemistry. He's married and has a son who's about 18 months old, with another baby on the way.

Steve just got married in March -- so no baby news yet from them. He lives in Columbus Ohio where he's working on a Master's Degree -- he wants to be a school counsellor, perhaps in an American School on a military base overseas.

Heather had her first baby, also a girl, a few months ago. She's living in Texas with her husband.

Mom and Dad are still in Amherst. Mom's parents moved in with them late last year, and Grandma has been in and out of the hospital and rehab facilities ever since, so that's rough on Mom. Daddy retired from Ford, and is having fun working on all the projects and inventions he never had time for when he was working.

I hope you'll keep me posted, and I will continue to visit your blog page to keep up with you and Elizabeth. Let me know if you're even in the Phoenix area, and we'll have to get together!


That would be fun! It's good to hear from you.

-Karen

Flylady Interview

Many of you know I'm a Flybaby -- I get Flylady's emails every day telling me what chores I ought to do that day, and it's really helped me to keep my house clean. Somebody forwarded a request for an interview to the list (some journalist is doing a story about housekeeping), and I thought I'd post my answers on my blog.

Name:

Karen

Age:

31

Where do you live? (City, State):

Torrance, Ca

Occupation:

Stay at home mom/writer

Married or partner?:

Married

Do you have children? What ages?

One daughter - 6 mo

How would you define yourself as a housekeeper? Explain.

I used to be a roller coaster housekeeper -- letting chores pile up till they NEEDED to be done, now I'm much more consistant.

How often do you clean your home? Describe your cleaning habits.

I do some house cleaning every day. I tidy up the stuff and toys that get brought out during the day, I do a load or so of laundry, I do the dishes as soon as I finish eating (no dishes get to sit in the sink -- though I do have a dishwasher, which helps). I also wipe the counters and stove/microwave every day

Once a week or so, I clean the bathrooms and vacuum, and sweep and/or mop the kitchen floor.

How satisfied are you with the cleanness of your home?

Very satisfied. I'm very proud of my home

If you are satisfied or dissatisfied, explain why.

When I was in roller coaster mode, I put things off, then felt guilty seeing clutter or dishes or laundry, and I didn't want to think about it, so I ignored it till it was really bad. Then, I'd finally get up the energy to clean, and I'd work very hard till I was exhausted. Then I'd feel like I could take a week off from working, and the stuff would pile up again.

Now, by doing a little every day, it doesn't pile up, and I don't feel guilty, and I don't have to work till I'm exhausted. I'm at peace in my home, and people are impressed when they come over.

How important do you think it is to have a clean home?

I think it's very important to have a CLEAN home for reasons of health and mental health. It's less important to have a TIDY home -- it should be OK for kids and parents to live in the house. A day or two of mess for a big project or if somebody's sick, is just fine. And if you keep it consistantly clean on a regular basis, it'll be easy to tidy up after that mess.

Do you hire a housekeeper? If so, how often does the person comes?

No

Do you find that many times you leave all the cleaning and de-cluttering to the housekeeper and sometimes even feel embarrassed when he/she comes?

Do you notice a difference between generations as to the importance given to keeping the home clean? If so, what differences and among which generations?

I think that at different phases in one's own life there are different standards. When you're a kid, you think there are more fun things to do than clean house. When you move out on your own, you have to find a balance, and it's easy to swing to extremes before finding it. It's easier to keep things clean before kids, and so parents may relax a bit.

I think that in my grandparents' generation, the people who lived through the Depression and the War often either hoarde things or travel light, and that can make for very dirty or very clean houses.

I think there's a lot more variation in personalities and how you were raised in regards to cleanliness rather than blanket statements for whole generations.

How would your mothers rate your home if they went for a visit?

My mom thinks I do a great job keeping house, and she's told me so.

Do you have the same standards of cleanness as your mother did? Explain why or why not.

Yes and no. I get a lot more anxious about mess than my mom did, so I probably keep my house cleaner than she did -- though I haven't got six kids yet, so I don't know how I'll be when there's more people making a mess. At the same time, Mom taught me how to clean, and how to tell when something needs cleaning, so a lot of my viewpoint is based on hers.

Do you find that many times your mother or mother-in-law, when they come to visit, end up inspecting the cleanness of your home, or give you recommendations on how to organize it and clean it better? Do you have arguments with them because of this? Please describe and offer a lot of anecdotes on this aspect.

My mother in law also thinks I do a good job. We have a great relationship, and if she had suggestions, I'd seriously consider them as coming from a loving helpful place in her heart. I even sometimes call her for advice about things (though not always housekeeping).

Do you think that your children (whether they are grown or not) and your husband/partner care less about cleaning the home as you do?

My husband definitely cares less than I do -- but he's supportive, and will do a specific task if I ask nicely and show him how it's done. We also have a kind of truce about certain things -- I don't mind if he leaves it out, if he doesn't mind if I put it away.

Do you think men are participating more in the house chores?

My husband participates about as much as my dad did in the everyday housekeeping. Neither does very much, but neither classifies it as "women's work" either. I care about it, so I do it. He doesn't, so he doesn't. But he cares about ME and he'll do what it takes to keep me happy -- including voluntarily doing dishes, taking out the garbage (sometimes without being asked), etc. I also ought to point out that bith my husband and father work(ed) full time to let their wives stay home and raise the kids.

How do you think the next generations will deal with the issue of housekeeping from what you can see today? Will they care more, care less, and why?

I think it'll be about the same. They may have better technology to help them (like I have better than my mother and grandmother did, but they'll still have to make the same decisions about a balance between time and comfort.

Do you feel that the economic recession in any way impacted how often you clean your home? For instance, have you fired the housekeeper you had, are you cleaning less because you are overworking, etc.

The recession has definitely had an effect -- My husband lost his job, so he's home all the time. This gives me the ability to have him take care of the baby so that I can focus on cleaning and cooking (which I didn't do much of before he lost his job).

How cluttered is your home?

I don't think it's cluttered -- based on what I've seen at other people's houses. On the other hand, we use ALL of our storage space.

Do you keep many things that you don't need? Like what?

I have a lot of craft supplies, children's toys for ages that I don't have in my house, LOTS of costumes, and LOTS of books. Are these things I don't need? I dunno -- I don't often use any given thing, but I often am happy that I have just the thing I was looking for when I want it. I try to give myself a limit on how much space the stuff can take up, and when I want to get a new thing, I have to make room for it by getting rid of something else.

Where do you keep stored most of the things that you no longer use or need?

Closets

Does it make you feel anxious to have so much clutter?

No -- I don't have more clutter than I can put away, and if it's put away, it doesn't make me anxious.

A Tribute to Grandma

I was writing a tribute to Grandpa, and wanted to link to the tribute I wrote for Grandma in May 2007, but realized that I hadn't posted it on either of my blogs. It's on the Unitus website, but I wanted to have it somewhere handy, so that it'll end up with my other journalling. So without further ado, here it is:

I grew up thousands of miles away from my Grandma Helen, so I didn't know her very well. That changed in 2002. My husband left me, and as I was trying to put my life back together and start over, my grandparents generously opened ther home to me (as they had for several aunts, uncles and cousins in need over the years). I lived with them for almost a year while I looked for a good job and found some good roommates.

I discovered that my grandmother was an adventurous person -- she hauled her family all over Europe when Grandpa was there in the Airforce, often camping and driving in overcrowded un-airconditioned cars. Doing this she helped instill in my dad a love of great culture, operas, literature, and history -- which he then passed on to me. I know that she planned several other trips that she never got to take because of health problems, and because the people around her weren't quite so adventurous. I know she'd love to ride around Los Angeles in a limo -- standing up and looking out the skylight.

Grandma may pretend tobe overawed by her intelligent grandchildren, but she knows at least two languages, and got a masters degree with several small children at home -- that's not easy to do.

She's an excellent storyteller -- I remember that when I was little she would tell us the most wonderful stories that she made up on the spot. She also loved to read aloud to us, and kept our attention easily with her choice of stories and skill at reading.

She's kind -- she often noticed when I would come home feeling sad, lonely or depressed, and would simply put an arm around me and say that she loved me. She always has compliments ready -- she calls me her beautiful Karen. Even whe I was little I noticed it because she couldn't bear to beat any of her grandchildren at a board game, and would actively cheat to make sure that everybody was happy at the end of the game. (some of the cousins got together one day, and rigged a game of Fantasy Forest so she would beat everybody by a mile, and then MADE her play and win :) )

And now when Grandma's sick, her biggest concern is how not to be a bother to anybody and how to keep people from worrying about her.

I love my Grandma, and the more I get to know her, the more I can see that I can trace many of the things I like about who I am to her influence on my Dad, and myself.

XKCD Dreams

http://xkcd.com/430/


I often feel like this. I dream intense, fascinating, confusing dreams almost every night. Most days, I've forgotten what they were about before my eyes are open.

Smart Baby

I just wanted to share what a smart baby I have! Today, we had to go shopping, but I didn't want to wake her up from her nap to do it. So when she woke up on her own, I fed her and put her in the carseat. She patiently sat as I drove to the post office and three stores -- looking bored, but docile. When I get home from any outing, I have to stop halfway into the driveway, take the baby out and take her insde, then take the groceries in, then fold in the rear view mirrors and pull the car forward into our very tight driveway. Elizabeth waited patiently in her carseat through most of this, but when I came into the house after pulling the car forward, she started complaining in her, "I'm tired of being strapped into this stupid carseat" voice. I quickly threw the perishable groceries in the fridge and freezer and knealt down in front of the carseat. She stopped complaining and grinned at me, wiggling happliy out of the seat as I unstrapped her.

I thought it was really cool to see how sh was familiar enough with the various situations to know that complaining at the store wouldn't get her much, but complaining on the floor at home would likely get her quick attention. I sure hope she coontinues to be willing to be patient with shopping trips in the future, and I hope that she really does understand that I'll do what I can to meet her needs when it's possible to do so.